New Normal

New Normal

Once again I find myself awake before seven in a state of minor panic. I switch on my phone and

obsessively scroll through social media hoping for some good news. It’s more of the same.

This has been my normal since they closed the schools. My emotions are running wild. I can sleep

at night, because I indulge in cannabis products, without them I lay awake and hyper focus on

things I have no control over. Normally when there's a problem or a crisis I’m a doer. Constant

forward motion will see results and get shit done. In this crisis not only are we supposed to practise

distancing ourselves from others, but my little family is under self isolation for a week. Now don’t get

me wrong. I like staying at home. I like talking to no one but my family for days at a time. I have my

people and I choose to spend most of my time with them. The problem isn’t staying at home. The

problem is staying at home and feeling helpless. The reality is not knowing when this is going to

end. The reality being, we have no idea when we’ll have employment again. The reality is getting my

period and not knowing how or if i’ll be able to get the products I need. The reality is anxiety meds

that are barely taking the edge off. The reality is We’re literally waiting in our home to see if any of us

comes down with the life threatening illness that can spread easily to the others. 

So we sit, we play video games, we watch TV. we try to keep a balance between letting our eight

year old know what’s going on, but keeping her from getting scared. We try and explain why people

are buying up all the groceries, and toilet paper, with the understanding that we don’t need to be

doing that too. 

We send grocery lists to my mother with a priority ranking. Marking things as nice to haves versus

desperately needs, or when you find some we could use…

Honestly my mother shines in times of crisis. Yes she sometimes panic buys a little, but she does it

for the entire family. Neither my brother's family or mine will not go without. Her sisters (my aunts)

and her nieces, will have meat if nothing else. Hand sanitizer will not be a problem for months.

My mother is a nurse, an LPN. She works with an Adult day support program, that gets seniors out

of the house, and social. She specialises in seniors with dementia. Her program has been shut

down, like most things, She has been reassigned to the front lines. She now sits at the doors to the

emergency care centre and prevents people from coming in until they’ve answered all of her

screening questions, she then either lets them in to complete their business of seeing the doctors or

going to the lab. She wears a mask over her mouth and nose, and a face shield, lest someone

cough or sneeze on her. I worry about her. 

I cry several times a day. I’m crying now, well trying not to. I cried the other day because I will not be

able to give my soon to be five year old a birthday party. Not only can I not invite his friends over,

but we can’t go and do any of the fun things he was planning on doing. I cried because the children

of the blitz were sent away and couldn't celebrate their birthdays, and how my problems were so

much less than that. I cried when my nephew, in grade one, was told that he can’t go back to school,

and  he got visibly upset and exclaimed “ But I’ve been working so hard!” 

We start homeschooling this week. Anytime in the past that we’ve tried to learn or work from home

things have ended in tears. I drove past the school yesterday and their sign outside was one of love

and inspiration in these trying times. I cried. This is my new normal. 

Head down, move forward.